Have you ever felt like you have no friend in the world? No one to vent your woes to? Do you ever find yourself crying alone in the corner of your living room? Have you ever felt zero gratitude about everything in life? I certainly did and I hated every second of that emotion. How do you become a grateful person when misery is all you know?
Like a bottomless pit those feelings engrossed me for so many years. It broke my heart that just when I started recovering from one emotional crisis, another bamboozled me. Has that ever happened to you? The ugly domino effect of tragic occurrences? I believe that I am not alone in this, but unfortunately since I was in my twenties, I was alone (save my dog). Why was I so alone during the worst times of my life? That is a simple answer. I had numerous friends/acquaintances that were also in their twenties. They did not experience anything near as to what I was at that time. Both parents and grandparents were alive for them. No close love or relative died. I envied them tremendously, and yet I was disappointed in them as well. I believe that it was because of ignorance that they (men and women) behaved very insensitively towards me. They did not lose a parent as I did. They did not lose two spouses as I did. They were not repeatedly sexually assaulted as I was. They just kept repeating the same phrases, “Aren’t you over this yet?” “What is taking you so long to snap out of it?” “Get over it.” I have more but I will not be crude.
That stage of experiencing their reactions towards me opened my eyes very wide. I started to grieve my own friends as well as myself and those who died. That made my sadness all the more sadder, if that makes any sense at all. I was grateful for my dog, who took care of me better than any human could. Well, I did have three wonderful friends, Matthew, John and Sal, who were the only ones there for me in my time of sorrow. Why only them while the others just went about their business? You see, Matthew was/is my brother in law, and John is extension of the marital family. I do have Sal also who sticks by me, but he is having a tough time as well. We are trying to help each other as best as we could. It made sense because they all were living through it too. They all helped save my heart and my life.
That is when gratitude slowly started to creep its head into my life. I was a grateful person when I was a little girl, but so much loss and I threw it away. I did not think that I would ever see it again. Like a slow creeper it started walking towards my life. It started in retrospect of even though I had such a short time with my father and spouses, I was grateful that I had anything at all. The friends I lost were just a learning lesson of who is a true friends and who comes and goes via chapters in our lives. I was not angry.
As I got older the gratitude creeper came stalking me more, in a yo-yo effect. Good things happen – yeah!!! Then the domino of the bad – boohoo!!!! I did not know which way to turn. Unfortunately anger can set in and it surely did. I was angry about anything and everything around me. I snapped at everyone around me and at every time. I lost interest in everything that used to make me smile. My only goal was to save enough money so I would go on vacation and get away from everybody and everything. Matthew, John and Sal were and still are my biggest champions. They give me honesty, whether I want it or not. And I must say that I am thoroughly grateful that their wives are understanding and strong women. I have known these people for over twenty five years and they are my siblings. I love them all. They helped give me my voice when it was silent for so long.
For the here and now I must point out the picture points to gratitude for my nephew. I do not have children, so he is my everything…you name it and that’s him. He is the son I have always dreamed of. I am the fake big sister that he has wanted. And we are funny friends. We are a whole package and I am so grateful for him that my heart bursts with joy.
Finding gratitude these days is a difficult task and I wish you all an abundance of joy and success at finding it. This is my voice for letting you know who my male gratitude’s are. They are all like that beautiful bear hugs that I am so grateful for every minute of everyday.
I do hope that you have that in your life.
Next….the ladies I am grateful for, and a doozey it is 🙂 (in a good way).