Emotions can certainly make a person behave in strange and unusual ways. Action and reaction is the mystery of where a person may end up. So ask yourself; are you angry? Are you sad? Are you disappointed? My answers are all yes, how about you? I have spent a number of years being so angry and rage full at the world, that I had no idea what to do with all that emotion. Where did I put it? How did I live through it? Is there a light at the end of my tunnel? Of so many bursts of emotions, I had to find a way to channel my anger. Of all the varieties of emotions that I carry inside, I believe that anger is the most detrimental to my health and well being. Channel it!
So what made me angry? It is a simple case of other people caused scandal at work and by association it cost me my position. I was reassigned to another post and had to swallow a huge annual pay cut. Talk about ouch! And when the scandal hit its peak I was on vacation. Another kind of ouch! I was flabbergasted beyond words, but I had no choice but to deal with it. The new team was very obnoxious, over-bearing, condescending, self involved, and etc…. The list of their attributes goes on and on, and not one is a positive one. My office turned from a camaraderie to a split gossip zone. It became toxic that every day I dreaded going in. Every day my anger towards the two bosses that did the damage grew larger and larger.
Anger is a strong emotion, that unfortunately I did not handle very well. Meaning that it caused self-inflicting damage. What can anger do to you? This:
- inflammation of psoriasis
- inflammation of hives
- bloated belly
- blurred vision
- body shakes
- hot and cold chills
The list goes on and can be quite different. Each person’s biological make up determines a different bodily outcome. The list above pertains to me and how my body reacted to my extreme anger. There were plenty of days where I had to pull over on a major highway and let the crying escape. Oh and once it did, it took time for it to stop and to catch my breath. I carried my skin cream and make up because I had more than two fits of anger crying almost every day. The release did nothing to help me calm down, and that made me sad. I had hoped that after two years of dealing with the same toxic environment, it might have brought me to a better place, but it did not. I tried to look for other positions, no luck. As I wrote, the crying sometimes fueled the anger to the point that my body would physically shake.
I had no idea what to do with my anger. I wanted it to escape me, but I did not know how to do it. I wanted revenge so deeply, but knew that revenge is not the answer.
Result of it all: a panic attack on top of a bridge. Another ouch! A simple twenty minute drive took me almost two hours. It was a dark and cold February when I felt the rug being pulled out from under me. I also felt like an out of body experience was happening. I was floating upwards, at least that is what it felt like. It was a scary feeling. My angry emotions dissipated for a while as I tried to assess the newest arrival – anxiety and panic attacks.
Now what? After a stint in the hospital, I found myself with a therapist and a psychiatrist. It was time to face the anger head on and beat it to a disappearance (not the violent way, but the speech way or cry way – I do not believe in violence in any nature/facet of life). It was a tough start with the two ( woman therapist and man psychiatrist), but little by little I was crying less. My therapist handed me Kleenex every time I entered her room, because she new that I needed them, and I did. I cried and cried until my eyes were red and dry. My body shook so much that I had shallow breaths. It took some time to calm down. Luckily the doctor also had a meditation room, where patients get to listen to positive affirmations, positive music, etc…
I was listening to a particular cd regarding letting the anger go. Wow, what a stroke of luck. I leaned back on the recliner, put the headphones on, pressed play and closed my eyes. Let the journey begin and it sure did.
The lessons and viewpoints that I learned in that CD changed everything within my soul. How could I not have seen it? I was blinded with rage, disappointment and I felt cheated out of a position that I was proud of and slowly making a name for myself. Hindsight is 20/20, but it was needed. Those two scoundrels attempted to ruin me, but I will not let them succeed. My anger was a pothole that I had to learn from. I saw it from a realistic point of view, and that is that as they go through their daily lives not giving me or others they have hurt a second thought, then why am I giving them a second thought? I had a a-ha moment and the CD person asked “Do you want to resolve or dissolve this situation?” I spent too much time drowning in my emotions, so I quickly decided to dissolve them from my mind, heart and life, and move on to a happy place. That decision lifted my soul and emotions to high that I felt ten pounds lighter. That was an amazing feeling. Through consistent therapy I was able to dissipate the anger more and more every day. It was a freeing time, and being angry is one emotion that I do not want to suffocate me as it did before.
I made some decisions and chose to channel my anger into positive projects. I am sketching again. I am journaling again. I am here and talking to you again. Little by little I will get these things finished as well as other projects that will come along.
Anger is a worthless emotion that is a self-sabotage and I do hope that you do not drive that road. You are better than that. I removed the anger and negative people and go about my business with quiet determination. I am loving every step that I take. I hope that you take positive steps and not let naysayers creep into your mind. You are stronger than they are, because you are good and do not let anyone tell you otherwise!
Channel your world to a magical place called YOU!