Sometimes we have good days and sometimes we don’t. What drives us to these feelings? How can we have a good moment last more than five minutes? It’s not easy these days, for people, places and things have changed. We live in a volatile world, I think. So where do we find gratitude? In the midst of stress, anxiety and depression I did find my place for gratitude and it’s the highest gratitude of them all. I thank God every day for it.

Unfortunately my highest gratitude lives in the memories of my first husband Richard. That is a double edged sword as I see it. Why? My husband passed away years ago, yet our shared experiences and memories still cling to me like lint. I find it more a comfort than a curse in still having those memories in the forefront of my life.

Ever since then I have been scammed, whether in person or online. I’ve turned into a suspicious and leary person. That I definitely do not enjoy and I know that’s not what he wanted for me.

Have you had such a thing happen to you?

Where has life gone wrong since I burned my soulmate? This:

  • Friendships that were materialistic, competitive, condescending, judging and false.
  • Men that I had no desire for, unless in an acquaintance sort of way, pursued me endlessly. Promises of love, adventures, relocation, money etc… Their persistence is creepy. How can someone express love and comfort when it’s only online? Why behave like that, unless you want to scare someone. I have had to deactivate accounts from various social media sites just to get away from the creepiness of both men and women. Ewww. My question is—-are they true or false?
  • If it’s too good to be true then it must be a scam right? I would love to give the benefit of the doubt but I’ve been played before. How would I know from an online person only that he/she are true and not false?
  • Then there’s the preaching scammers that told me God wanted me to sponsor someone from another country. Are you kidding? I said no so fast and he didn’t like it. I laughed and because he didn’t get it he dropped me. I was grateful for that. The audacity!
  • Oh and the friends who claim such love and devotion were the first to be judge, jury and executioner. Kindness was and is supposed to be an asset, yet some took advantage of it. I was criticized, belittled, judged and condescended, and from such love. And I have known her for many years. Could it be jealousy? I don’t know because I was never jealous of her. Our tastes and paths have been and are different so there was no need for jealousy. Insecurity? I don’t know why. She’s so full of herself it’s amazing she can walk through a door. Her husband is too good for her, but to each his own. I don’t judge. That was just my opinion. Either way I deleted her from my life. Her negativity and drama, in her forties is not for me. Good luck and good bye is all I can say.
  • Then there’s the ex co-workers who knew of my inhumane treatment. Oh the stories of ” I can get you a job here. I can get you a job there, and so on…. Once I got layed off, disappearance occurred. I’m glad for that. It only showed that I was a convenient friend when it benefited her. Never mind the gifts of time, emotions and presents to her and her children. I didn’t ask for anything in return except for friendship. I guess that was too much to ask for.

So with every corner is a scam trying to form, whether for money stealing or a buffer for laundering, I clicked delete on them all.

It is so difficult these days to have any friendships whether with a man or woman.

I am grateful that my best friend, Matthew, has been true to me for so many years. He’s also my brother in law. I’m the aunt to his two sons, and since they are both under ten years old I’m thrilled! His wife is marvelous and understanding that sometimes I just need my Matthew a bit. She knows that he’s the brother I always wanted, brutally honest, straight forward and helpful. A true blue gentleman, and rare.

Is it any wonder why I seek my comfort in the memories of my late husband? It was a beautiful marriage. Why do I say that? I have been commitment phobic for a long time. That ended when we married. That’s big for me. Even his flaws didn’t bother me, because I had and have plenty of flaws. Communication and laughter was first. Date night at the beach with a frisbee. Simple things made me so happy that when he passed away I physically fell ill. It felt like someone took a butter knife and took my heart out and left an empty shell.

I am still that empty shell. I have no love to give. I live quietly and on my own terms now. And if my memories are in the forefront, then so be it.

With the state of today’s society filled with scammers, greed, gossip and a whole laundry list of uglies, it’s no wonder that I feel the highest gratitude and comfort from my late husband. I don’t live in the padded to that full extent, but he’s still a part of today as yesterday and yesteryear. I love it and I’m alright with it.

Once a person finds the love of their life, could there be another? In my surroundings I don’t think so. It is quite alright too. My circle of friends is very tiny, but they are true people. That is all I need.

Now I’m off to start new adventures in helping people with their stresses, anxiety, depression and panic attacks. I’m hoping that my experiences of good and bad can serve as an example of what you may want to try or at least know what to stay away from.

Please do not feel bad about yourself in keeping memories of loved ones alive. As long as we can put them into perspective I don’t see a downfall.

Do you agree? I truly want to know. Shared stories is part of healing. That’s why I’m baring myself to you, because I’d love to help ease your suffering. Learn from my mistakes.

Who or what is your highest gratitude?

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